


i’ve fallen in love with this middle ground at the cost of my soul

by mitchell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, References to Depression, Suicide mentions, chris & pj & cat are in this fic but they aren't major characters, it's mostly just centered around phil being sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 10:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11311476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitchell/pseuds/mitchell
Summary: "You take another swig of the wine and bitterly think that if being broken is considered an art, then you truly are a masterpiece."or, the fic where phil falls in love too late and has to deal with the consequences





	i’ve fallen in love with this middle ground at the cost of my soul

**Author's Note:**

> if i forgot to tag something let me know and i'll tag it
> 
> my amazing friend made really pretty art for this fic and you can find it [here](http://radicalhoodie.tumblr.com/post/162336196139/my-lovely-friend-fyoyaoya-wrote-a-phanfic)

 

> The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws and coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.

 

Dan is gorgeous in ways you never thought you’d find beauty in. It’s in the way he folds his legs underneath himself while sketching, it’s in the way he stirs his tea, it’s in the way he flicks the ashes of his evening cigarette and it’s in the way he smiles.

He holds himself with a sense of confidence one could only imagine having, he smiles at dogs on the streets, makes silly faces to babies and the small laughs he puffs out when you stumble over thin air is breathtaking. He is so gorgeous your heart melts at the sight of him and you barely know how to deal with it.

Dan is everything you’re not, and maybe that should have been a sign that you couldn’t possibly be enough for someone like him.

*

Your last year of University has barely just started and you’re already drowning in assignments and it’s stressing you out to the point where all you can do is stare out the window and onto the wet pavement. You’re craving a cigarette and it’s not too long before you’re leaning out the window blowing smoke into the night.

The sound the city makes late at night, mixed with the rain and the few cars passing by calms you down almost as much as the nicotine does.

*

“Phil oh my God,” is the first thing you hear when you answer the phone. “I just met the cutest guy ever please help me I don’t know what to- oh my God stop laughing at me you spoon.”

You can’t help but to laugh harder at that, and you can hear him whine in the background. “Sorry, sorry. Did you get his number, or at least his name?”

“Yeah because I’m not stupid. I meant more when should I text him, is tonight too soon? Oh God I sound like a teenage girl. Fuck..”

“Mmm, kind of. Are you coming home now? Chris wanted to play Mario Party so I’m leaving now.”

“Yes, daddy.” Dan laughs out and you move the phone away from your ear to stare at it in disgust. As you’re hanging up you can hear Dan laughing hysterically and you can’t help but to smile, even if you do hate daddy kinks.

You throw on your shoes and make your way down to Chris and PJ’s shared room, ignoring the tight feeling in your chest.

*

Friday nights are spent in your shared room, complaining about classes as you watch a new anime and stuff your face with takeout food. It’s been like this since pretty much the first year you both started uni, and you wouldn’t trade the world for it. On these nights you collectively decided that you won’t talk about university, homework or upcoming exams. It’s a time to be lazy and enjoy the mostly quiet company of each other, to relax and forget all about the stress that comes with studying.

This friday you’re sitting on Dan’s bed watching some show you can’t remember the name of, but you can remember the bright smile he had on as he excitedly told you about it. His shoulder is rubbing against yours whenever he laughs, and even though you have no idea what’s going on in the anime you smile, because hearing Dan laugh like this is rare. He nudges you and points towards the screen where the main character is jumping into a trash can.

“That’s you, Phil.” He jokingly says and you can’t help but to snort.

Fridays are your safe haven, and even if you are depressed, you revel in the fact that for just a few hours you can feel somewhat happy.

*

Drinking coffee at 1am is never a good idea but here you are, almost chugging the whole cup so you can go back to your textbook. There’s no point in staying up studying today when the test isn’t for another few days but you’ve never made a good decision in your life so why not.

As you sit down Dan tells you to study faster so the two of you can watch a movie and you almost laugh because it’s one in the morning and this is considered normal between you.

You don’t finish studying, instead you lazily throw your textbook at Dan, smile at his loud shriek and make two cups of hot chocolate.

*

Most of your Tuesday classes are boring and the only thing keeping you sane is Chris making lame sex jokes, or maybe texting Dan with updates on what exactly is happening every five minutes. Dan is sick and probably asleep, so you can’t text him and Chris decided to go to the bathroom - 45 minutes ago. With nothing to do you’re forced to listen to the professor speak, watch as the students in front of you pass along notes and silently hope the clock hasn’t actually stopped.

 

Time didn’t actually stop or slow down, and when there’s five minutes left Chris returns with a shit eating grin and messy hair and you think, of course he would leave class to make out with his boyfriend. Why the fuck would he not when he doesn’t care about this class. You bite back a somewhat rude comment because he looks happy. You may be an ass in situations like these, but he’s your friend and he deserves happiness.

(Even if that means abandoning you in favor of making out in a dirty bathroom stall.)

*

It’s a Friday night again and Dan is sitting on the floor next to your bed, sketching what looks an awful lot like Cat sitting on the sun and you snort. You distantly remember Dan and her having a conversation where she mentioned that she would love to sit on the sun so she won’t freeze as much as she does here.

“She’s not that big Dan, you’re studying art, get your proportions right.”

“Oh fuck you, go back and watch that anime you wanted to show me.”

You laugh so hard your laptop almost falls off the bed, and in an attempt to save it you throw your body towards it and fall off the bed, clutching it to your chest.

“Holy fuck, what are you doing? Don’t make me rip the paper I could actually turn this in and get extra credit.” He’s smiling as he’s talking though, so you know he’s not mad, and you lay your head next to his thigh, smiling brightly back up to him.

 

Fridays like these are what makes life a little more bearable.

*

“Let’s go stargazing!” Dan loudly proclaims as he comes out from the small toilet in your room. You check your phone only to see that it’s 3am and you bury your face in your pillow again.

“Phil c’mon,” he says excitedly and you can hear the smile in his voice, “it’s been almost a month since we last went and the sky is clear tonight. Don’t be so lazy, c’mon.”

You don’t know what goes into your brain to make you say yes, but you slowly sit up and you can see Dan doing a victory dance and it brings a smile to your face. You reach down to the floor to grab the closest sweatshirt you can find while he collects the blankets on his bed.

Five minutes later you’re climbing the stairs to the roof, already shivering but the soft smile on Dan’s face makes it all worth it in the end.

Once you’re seated on the edge of the roof, wrapped up in the blankets he brought he tells you about space, how small earth is in comparison to jupiter, about all the moons and how he believes in the existence of aliens.

The wind is blowing his hair around and you can’t help but to wonder how he’d react if you kissed him right there and then.

You don’t kiss him, instead you listen to him speaking about the constellations and his eyes are shining so bright and he looks happier than you’ve ever seen him. It makes your heart beat faster and something inside you makes you feel at home.

*

Dan studies art and you study music. You don’t share any classes, and on most days you rarely see him. The only exceptions are Fridays during your movie/anime marathons, Saturdays before you go to the library to study and early mornings before classes. The occasional lazy Sunday where you do nothing but complain about the amount of studying that needs to be done, or the ever-growing pile of laundry that’s half assedly shoved underneath your bed.

It’s Friday, and usually by this time you’re sitting on top of Dan’s bed, stuffing your face with pizza but he is nowhere to be seen.

At 9pm he sends you a text message saying “sorry we have to skip movie night tonight, elliott wanted to go out :(“.  
At 9.45pm you’re in PJ’s dorm, holding a cheap bottle of wine against your chest while PJ texts his own boyfriend.

*

Standing outside in the rain, nursing a shitty hangover and trying to light a cigarette while you’re shaking turns out to be a greater challenge than it should be. Dan laughs and lifts his jacket to give you the shelter you need to light your damn cigarette, and afterwards he steals your lighter to use himself. You don’t bother to ask for it back once he pockets it, it’s not like you don’t have numerous amounts of them laying around on your desk back at your dorm.

He tells you he’s really sorry that he had to miss movie night, that Elliott wanted to go out and he’s so infuriated with him you want to throw up. It’s not okay you think, but it was only once, so you give a shaky laugh and a fake smile and tell him it’s okay.

You smoke another cigarette and pretend that you’re not feeling like shit over this, and that it’s the hangover bugging you. It works and soon enough Dan is talking about his latest assignment and his ideas for it. You nod along quietly and think back to when Dan first met Elliott.

*

Your depression seems to have hit rock bottom, despite all your desperate attempts at keeping it pushed deep down. You don’t know what caused it (that’s a lie), or when it happened (that’s also a lie) but you do know that you have no energy whatsoever to leave the bed and you have an important exam you need to study for. You need to get up and clean the room you share with Dan before he comes back. You need to finish copying PJ’s notes and you need to buy more coffee. Instead of doing that you bury yourself underneath your blanket and try your damn hardest to think happy thoughts, nothing about the boy with curly hair and a smile so bright that could rival even the sun.

 

When Dan comes back two hours later it’s with a loud slam of the door and a smile threatening to break out at any second. When he sees you laying down staring into nothingness he seems to stop completely.

“Phil..?” He asks, concern clear in his voice. You do nothing but glance at him, and his expression softens almost immediately. “Movie night?”

You consider your options, but soon come to the conclusion that your head hurts too much to think. Instead, you nod softly, hoping it’s enough for him to catch on. He seems to have because he’s hanging up his jacket and soon enough he’s in your bed, laptop perched on top of his lap.

It’s to the familiar tune of My Neighbor Totoro you drift off, his fingers carefully threading through your hair.

 

from: the giant meme  
“he asked me to be his boyfriend!!!!!”

*

Classes were incredibly boring this week, none of your friends seemed to be available and Dan is too busy with his boyfriend. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth and you suppress a cough. You try to not let your mind linger on anything besides the open book in front of you, but after just a few minutes you give up and pick up your guitar.

It doesn’t take long until you’ve stopped playing, there simply is no use to play when all you can hear is your heart beating faster than it should and your breath gets stuck in your chest.

*

It’s Saturday and your headache is only getting worse the longer the day drags on. You’ve spent almost six hours studying and it feels like nothing is staying in your brain for longer than 10 minutes.

You lay your head down on the cold desk and close your eyes, praying that the headache won't turn into a migraine and you almost fall asleep, until Dan shows up that is.

He throws a packet of painkillers at you and when you sit up straight he hands you a water bottle.

“Wanna go grab food or do you need to stay longer?” he asks with such a ridiculously soft smile it makes your heart do a double take.

“I need to study more but I can’t concentrate..” you mumble and he laughs.

“Let’s go get some pizza then, you can finish up while we eat and I can pester you about Elliott.” The mention of Elliot makes you feel all kinds of ugly, but it’s been so long since you last sat down with Dan and actually had a meal, takeout or not.

In the end you two order pizza and sit on the floor of your room while you talk trash about all the classes you’re taking. It’s nice and it’s comforting, it’s almost like coming home after a long trip and you can feel the tension slowly melting away.

*

Elliott is an asshole, you decide not even a full minute after knowing him. He’s a music student too and everything about him makes you want to throw up. You make a mental note to ask Cat about him, since she for some reason knows everything about a majority of the students. There’s a sinking feeling in your stomach saying that this won’t end well.

You say nothing and instead, you smile at him and Dan and jokingly ask when the wedding is.

*

It’s been two weeks since you first met Elliott, and you start to wonder how you never noticed that he’s in most of your classes. He sits on the other side of the classroom, in the corner of the front row right next to the door. Next to him is a girl you recognise from your weekly visits to the library. She’s a sweet little thing from what you know. You’re about to look away as you see Elliott leaning forward, and you’re glad you didn’t because the next thing you know he’s kissing her. You poke Chris as hard as you can with your pen and when he opens his mouth to scold you his eyes follow yours to that asshole.

“That little cunt.” Chris whispers and you nod slowly.

*

You and Chris make multiple attempts telling Dan that Elliot kissed someone else, but he refuses to listen. He says that Elliott wouldn’t do that, he’s not that type of guy, he hates cheating, he loves me. The only thing you can do is sit back and watch the shitstorm that’s slowly starting, and maybe also send death glares to Elliott whenever you see him.

Dan slowly starts distancing himself from you after that and you think Elliott may have something to do with it.

*

You have good days. Good days where you get work done, you clean Dan and yours tiny dorm room and it feels like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and all you can do is smile and sing along to the music coming out of your almost broken radio.

But then there’s bad days where you can barely get yourself into the shower and everything hurts and you just want to sleep, or cry or die and you don’t even know what to make of the mess that is your emotions.

You’re having a bad day, and all you want to do is talk to Dan, but he’s not answering his phone and you know he doesn’t want to talk to you. Or maybe he does, you don’t know.

It feels like there’s a thick layer of fog covering your eyes and your limbs ache even though you haven’t left the bed in days. Your chest feels tight and as you curl up into a ball underneath your blanket, making yourself as small as possible, you can’t help but to feel weak.

Turns out, pressing your fingers into your scalp in an attempt at keeping yourself grounded doesn’t work when all you wanna do is disappear.

*

You meet up with Cat at a cafe nearby campus to see if there’s anything, anything at all, you can hold against Elliott.

Turns out she does, and you leave knowing that he has a record of cheating and fighting with everyone around him. You can’t bring yourself to finish the over priced coffee you got, so instead you throw it into the nearest trash can and make your way to the library to study.

*

It’s been a month since you first tried to tell Dan about his asshole of a boyfriend and he doesn’t seem too happy to be speaking to you again. You don’t mind at all, but you’re disappointed that he believes in his boyfriend of just a few weeks more than his friends.

You tell yourself it’s because he’s still in the honeymoon phase, and that he will snap out of it and realize that he’s wrong. You’re not too sure when that will happen, but you know that Dan can’t be stupid enough and not realize what’s going on sooner or later.

*

Another month pass by just as quick as the last one did, the only difference is the much colder weather and the fact that Dan is actually around again. Friday movie nights are still not entirely back and you have more essays to write than you’d like but it’s good nonetheless.

(If you ignore the obvious feeling in your stomach every time Dan mentions Elliot)

*

It’s been six months since Dan first met Elliott and he’s spending it outside in the rain, screaming and crying with you. He saw Elliott kissing another guy and he left without a word.

He quietly admits that ever since you and Chris told him that Elliot was cheating on him, he didn’t believe it, but he started doubting him more. That he’s been wondering if he’s even worth being loved.

You want to grab onto him and shake him, yell at him until your lungs give out that no, that’s not true, you love him, he deserves so much more than heartbreak and empty bottles and tear-stained photographs. But you don’t grab him and you don’t tell him anything, instead you sit down next to him on the wet pavement and let him rest his head on your shoulder. It’s not fair, you think as your eyes slowly travel towards the dark sky dotted with stars and constellations you had no idea existed until you met Dan. It’s not fair how the boy you love is in love with someone else who doesn’t give a fuck about him.

“I love him..” he mumbles.

“I know, I know.” You say. It’s in that moment you know you’re fucked, because a tiny little forget me not falls out from your mouth and the shock makes you freeze.

You’re well and truly fucked, and a part of you knew this would happen.

*

Three days later Dan is meeting up with Elliott. You don’t know why he would do that when he just spent days crying in bed, but he assures you that it’s okay. They’re supposed to meet up and talk, and you’re so scared that Dan will forgive him without a second thought.

Right before you’re about to go to bed, Cat sends a text asking why Dan is back together with Elliott. Tears well up in your eyes and you curse yourself for believing for even a second it wouldn’t end up like this.

*

It’s a relatively productive Saturday night for you. You finished an essay earlier in the morning, you cleaned the bathroom and took a shower for the first time in days. You can’t help but to feel accomplished, even if it’s just small things.

Your day has been good and you actually feel good about yourself for once, until you see your overflowing trash can and for some reason it makes you wanna cry.

*

You’re starting to cough up flowers multiple times a day, and it’s slightly alarming how little you care that you’re pretty much signing yourself up for an early death.

“Maybe it’s the depression finally catching up to me” you jokingly mutter as you flush down yet another fistfull of flowers.

*

to: the giant meme  
“im so in lovewith you why cant you just fucking love me bakc fuck i hate the stupid fuckign flowers fuck yuo”  
_select all, delete_

*

It’s not fair, you think as you cough up yet another tiny blue flower. Dan and his stupid boyfriend are happy, and here you are, in a McDonald's bathroom coughing until you feel like the world is spinning.

You almost want to call Dan, tell him how it’s all his fault that you’re on your knees crying in a bathroom stall, coughing up his favorite flowers. You decide against that, because you’re not selfish. You can’t come begging to him now, almost two years after he confessed, and you certainly can’t destroy his one chance at happiness

(even if his idea of happiness is a cheating jerk with a knack for acting like an angel).

*

Someone once told you that if you drink enough alcohol, it starts to taste like love. It makes you feel loved. And that’s exactly what you had in mind when you stole that bottle of wine from Dan. You want to feel loved, to feel needed, to forget all about the stupid flowers you keep coughing up and for everything to just stop hurting.

The rooftop of the dorm is freezing cold, and really you should’ve bundled up more but instead of going back inside you sit down and start drinking straight from the bottle. It’s disgusting really, it’s a white wine and you loathe white wine almost as much as you do yourself.

The cold air does nothing good beside stopping the coughing, which you count as a big fucking victory since you don’t wanna see another forget me not in your entire life. You have a burning feeling that the next time you see one, it won’t be a pretty blue, and judging by the thickness that’s been settling in your lungs for the past few hours, it’ll most likely be stained red.

You take another swig of the wine and bitterly think that if being broken is considered an art, then you truly are a masterpiece.

*

You once thought about asking Dan if he can fake being in love with you just for a little while, but you’re not stupid and you know this disease isn’t gonna be fooled.

You’re essentially as fucked as one can get, and it’s laughable because you’ve never seen yourself as a bottom.

*

Chris and PJ somehow managed to get into your room in the midst of your coughing attack, and they still when they see the floor covered in forget me nots. You look up to them and smile weakly, before another cough sends you clutching your chest, face turned down towards the floor. The next flower that comes up is speckled with blood and you can’t find it in yourself to care that you are dying.

They’re next to your kneeling body in an instant, and you can’t help but feel bad for not even telling them what’s been happening lately. Just as you’re about to apologize you start coughing again.

You pass out on the floor and when you wake up you’re in bed. All the flowers are gone, there’s a cup of water on the dresser next to your bed and you’re lying tangled up between Chris and PJ. Your heart skips and you can feel yourself tearing up. You don’t want to die and leave them behind, but you can’t bring yourself to go through with the surgery needed. Even if you did want to there’s no way in hell you can afford it

(you know that if you just asked for it, your friends and family would pay for it in an instance without a second of hesitation

(you don’t want to ask them to pay for it, this is all your fault and you only have yourself to blame)).

*

You know that Chris and PJ are worried about you, and yet you refuse to talk to them about the flowers. It’s selfish and stupid, but you want to deal with this yourself.

*

You have a made up rule in your head that says to call your mum whenever things go out of hand. You almost call her, but in the end you decide not to. You don’t know how to tell her that her second child is suffering from unrequited love, and at this point you’re closer to death than you ever were living.

*

You decided to go to the cafe to study instead of the library like usual, mostly because a hot cup of tea would probably soothe your aching throat more than just water.

It’s a busy day in the cafe and it’s filled with people. The closest people around you are eating lunch and there’s a few teenagers that seem to be skipping school in favor for a late breakfast.

Seeing so many people in the same place makes you anxious, but you plug your headphones in and play Muse in an attempt at shutting them out. It works partially, but there’s a young child screaming and a father that looks like he’s 5 seconds away from passing out from exhaustion and you can’t help but to feel bad.

You try to study, but every time you look down at your notes you see the small doodles Dan made. It leaves your heart soaring and your chest feeling tight, almost as if yet another flower is blooming. You’re scared that you’re gonna start coughing and have flowers cover the table so you don’t look down. Instead you look out the window and when you do cough you catch the flowers in your hand.

You make eye contact with one of the teenagers and she gives you a pitying look. It makes you both mad and ashamed and you get up to order another cup of tea, this time with much more honey.

When the tea has gone cold you decide to leave. As you’re placing your books in your bag you hear someone cough and for a second your heart stops. The girl you saw earlier spits out a pink dahlia and sighs before wrapping it in tissue. Her friends look at her worryingly and you understand why she looked at you the way she did.

On your way out you salute her and she laughs.

*

to: the giant meme  
“im sorry im dying but i cant fucking dea l with this”  
_select all, delete_

*

Most days thinking about death would leave you an anxious mess, but tonight, you can’t help but to feel at ease and the thought scares you more than dying ever has before.

You tell yourself that you’re happy that you’re finally dying, that you won’t have to deal with all the damn flowers that have nested themselves deep inside your lungs. And it’s not like it’s that of a big lie, because it is part of the truth.

Deep down you know that even if you do want to die, you don’t wanna go down like this, not when Dan got the surgery when he fell for you.

*  
  
It’s a miracle Dan hasn’t found out about the hanahaki yet. You barely leave your shared dorm, your bedside drawer is filled with blood stained petals and you’re sure that if someone were to look closely they would see a thick layer of flowers hastily shoved underneath your bed.

But then again, Dan hasn’t been in your dorm lately, instead he’s been slowly moving his things to Elliot’s apartment.

*

Cat cries when you tell her, and she begs you to get the surgery. When you tell her it’s too late for that, she hugs you so tight you feel like you might choke. You hug her back and it’s almost laughable how the two of you are standing in the middle of a library, wearing old and worn out sweaters crying into each other. It’s comforting to finally be letting everything out though, and there’s barely any people at the library this late.

You spend the night in her dorm, holding her and praying to God that she will be okay once you’re gone.

*

You’re coughing up clumps of flowers now, all soaked in your own blood and you know death is just around the corner. You feel helpless and pathetic, letting yourself succumb to the death of unrequited love but you don’t know what else to do now that you’ve let yourself sink this deep.

*

You haven’t told Dan anything and you feel like a bad friend, but you know that if you were to tell him he would drag you straight to the hospital and book the surgery for you himself.

You don’t get a chance to hide it from him anymore though, because the moment he comes into the bathroom he sees you surrounded by blue petals coated in red and he instantly panics. He rush out and you can hear him talking on the phone and you tear up.

When he comes back he tells you that he booked an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow, and that you are getting the surgery no matter what. You try to tell him that it’s useless, but he looks so scared you can’t bring yourself to do anything but apologize.

He sits down next to you and that’s when you start crying, heavy sobs racking through your body and he doesn’t say anything but he does hold you and it makes you cry even more. You start coughing again and the flowers that come up are practically dripping red and you feel him flinch. You can’t find it in yourself to care and your hands are overflowing with petals and you can’t breathe and fuck, this is not good.

*

The doctor was hesitating when she told you the news, and if you weren’t so numb already you would’ve cried.

You have one week left.

*

The last week of your life pass by like nothing is wrong. You call your mom and tell her you love her, you talk to your brother and you have a sinking feeling that he knows what’s going on. You talk to your father and he tells you how proud he is of you. It makes you cry and you play it off as stress from classes.

Telling everyone that you’re actually dying and will be dead in a week is hard. Everyone is crying and refuse to believe in you and you almost regret not asking them for help earlier.

(They all blame themselves for not helping you earlier and you’re blaming yourself for falling for Dan.)

*

Dan broke up with Elliott.

*

You don’t go to your classes. You really don’t see the point in it when you’re already declared dead and can’t go five minutes without breaking into a cough.  
Instead, you spend your days in bed, reading Crime and Punishment, drinking tea and wondering if you should leave some sort of death note behind.

That idea leaves you gasping for air as you switch between laughing hysterically and coughing so hard you almost black out.

*

As the days pass, you can’t help but to feel weaker. It’s like there’s an invisible force tugging at you whenever you try to move and just getting out of bed is taking too much out of you. You feel pathetic that you have to ask Dan to lead you to the bathroom, and it makes you feel even more pathetic when you see the look he’s giving you.

You don’t say anything though. Not to be nice or spare his feelings, but to avoid wasting energy that could be spent washing your hands.

*

It’s been over a week since the doctor told you the news, and everybody is a walking mess, just waiting for the moment you drop dead, or something along those lines.

You can’t sit up on your own anymore, and you can barely move your head. Breathing hurts and you think you can feel each individual flower starting to block your airways. At this speed, you wouldn’t be surprised if you ended up dying within a few hours.

It’s 9am and you’re alone in your dorm room. Dan left to pick up some tea and honey after hearing you complain about how sore your throat is. To be honest, you don’t care about drinking it. At this point you can’t even feel your throat, it’s completely numb and so are you. All you wanted was to be alone for a bit, to try and collect your thoughts. It’s not working and you can barely breath, and you’re scared that if you cough the flowers that have nestled inside of you will clump together in your throat and choke you.

You almost wish you got the surgery so you wouldn’t have such a painful death. As you feel the pressure in your lungs increasing you start to regret not writing any notes. The thought alone that you will never get to hug your mom again is enough to make you tear up. But what does make you cry is knowing that you took everything for granted. You won’t ever get to sit on the pavement outside of McDonald’s at 2am with your friends, and you won’t get to tell them how happy you are they stayed by your side after everything that’s happened the past few years. You desperately think that if you had the chance to go back in time and change your decisions you would, but it’s useless because you can’t breath and you aren’t quite sure if it’s because you’re seconds away from death or a panic attack.

 

20 minutes later Dan walks into your shared dorm room to the sight of you laying motionless on top of the bed, covered in blue forget me nots.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sadly not as interested in phan as i used to be, so this will most likely be the last fanfic for this ship i'll ever post. i know a lot of you guys were expecting a sequel to glazed eyes empty hearts but i just can't bring myself to actually write that lmao.
> 
> if you wanna talk you can hit me up on tumblr at fyoyaoya.tumblr.com


End file.
